Shattered

Thursday 23rd August: day five, L'Alpe d'Huez to Risoul

So, first day with m'new bike. Apart from being a tad smaller the main and crucial difference is that the brake levers are fitted in the U.S. and Euro mode i.e. right hand operates rear brake. Bit of getting use to, especially when you consider the terrain we are dealing with here!

Day five's "jour de travail". Bonnet de douche, Rodney.

Tight roads with dodgy surfaces for a change.

The bike hire shop bloke from whom I bought the Ridley rang me when I was half-way up the first climb: he asked how things were going...has he sold me a cut'n'shut, or what?
He did seem to be laughing quite a bit, to be fair. Just joking, Oliver...cheers!

They are quite into their skiing around here. Who knew?



We've possibly stumbled onto the set of a 90's Tampax TV ad..."Wooooah, Bodyform..."



Yep, more valleys and hairpins. Terrific!

You want fresh drinking water? Fill your boots er, bottles!

That Napoleon fella got around a bit when he was on the lam.

There always one bell-end with his crappy box-on-wheels getting in the way.

All slow but doable so on the last climb I took off my bandana as the sky had clouded over: rookie move. However I finished the stage within the cut-off time and even managed to do a 'Mobot' over the finish line.
I was then collared by a Sunset & Vine TV crew to utter some precious words: media commitments are such a drag...It'll air sometime in 2050. Set your Sky+ now!

Anyway I now felt out-of-sorts: heat stroke most likely, the same thing that happened on day 2 of the America trip. Hungry but unable to eat or drink much, cold and tired. Lovely!

Team Lanterne Rouge did meet for dinner though and four of us including me, ordered 'Fondue Bourguignonne' or similar:  you cook the meat yourself. My, how we laughed!

The look on David's face? Priceless.

Martin had us in tears with tales of his dodgily-glued Chinese carbon rims: believe me, it was cry-worthy, but I bailed early and was glad of 6 hours sleep...we'll see what the next day brings.

                                                           Tired stats!



Friday 24th August: day six, Risoul 1850 to Auron

Was thrilled to wake and find that I certainly didn't feel any worse than usual despite not eating or drinking anywhere near enough. So, on we roll...

At the start-line this morning with Andy just ahead on the left. They always play awful music ('Cotton-Eye Joe' anyone?) so it was a rare treat to hear a bit of 'Upside Down', hah-hah!

Day six: I mean really, how hard can it be?

Not too long and we are into the first climb: about half-way up a camera car conducted a mini-interview with me mainly because I was wearing my Rolling Stones jersey, I think.

By the top of the climb I could see a few were not enjoying this especially. I was only concerned about completing the stage, no matter how long it took...I just wanted to avoid the broom wagon.

The descent was straight forward although into a headwind: I decided to make it more interesting by allowing a wasp to fly down my f**king jersey. Cue panic but a relatively controlled stop. Luckily no sting...result!

The next climb was the unreal Cime de la Bonette which has Europe's highest paved road at 2803m. Les berks! It was interminable but eventually we did it: the last km ramped-up to 13%. Again some more folks abandoned on the way...

You don't say.

Spot who hasn't seen the last ramp up to 13%?

Sitting on top of the world...

Only way out of here is down. Yes!

An amazing descent followed- too fast for any video, hah-hah! Actually I was trying to catch a few other riders up the road and did that, just before our last climb to Auron, which was only 6km long. I finished 522nd out of 527 remaining riders...sweet!

"Well awriiiight Auron!"

                                         Stupidly long climb stats!

A 5 a.m. alarm tomorrow and onwards to Nice and The Med...cheers!

Reasons To Be Cheerful (Pt.3)

Tuesday 21st August: day three, Couchevel 1850 to L'Alpe d'Huez

Right then, this a double-bill of BS to deal with seeing as how I was a tad too tired to write yesterday. So Tuesday's stage of 85 miles and 15000' of climbing was always going to be the worst of the lot. As it turned-out it was a 'Ronseal' stage and then some.



On the way down from Courchevel 1850 to the start. Tractor in trail. The French do love their outsized velos.



Day three: a nightmare on some bad, bad climbs!

 

Bloke's bike is really made out of bamboo.

You just wouldn't tire of this view!

Unlike this one. Who nicked my pint?

Just ridiculous.

Almost the Alpine version of 'The Last Post'. Apt.

If I look done in, it's because I am done in. Still more to go...

I was absolutely toast by the second summit (pictured above)  and really couldn't see how I was going to make it any further. Went and ploughed on down the descent anyway and onwards to the final interminable climb which merged eventually into the famous road up to L'Alpe d'Huez and our hotel.

Life imitates handle-bar tape. Or something.

It was a horrible trudge, stopping every 5 minutes for a breather and I saw a few folk pack it in (around 50 did today). By this stage there is a lot of standing out of the saddle, mainly beacuse I have a baboon's arse!

Time rolled by and eventually I saw an official timer's car behind me with about 10 uphill miles left. I expected the tap on the shoulder and for them to say 'enough' albeit in a French accent and to be honest I half-hoped that they would, but to my utter amazement the guys said that I could do it and indeed had to carry on, as I'd be letting both them and myself down if I did the 'sensible thing' and quit in order to save myself for the coming days.

All this despite being way outside the cut-off time and giving themselves an extra hour out on the course shepherding me in. Kudos to them forever for that.

I was joined by the very last rider out on the course and we followed each other up the last 6 hairpins to d'Huez with a car behind and motorbike in front. When we entered the resort I was knocked-out by the people cheering and shouting for us and the din of cars and bikes blaring their horns. Not ashamed to say that I just about cried. Big girl!

Courtesy of Tractor Productions. Cheers!

Never had such a daft day in a long time, on or off a bike. Wow!

View from our L'Alpe d'Huez hotel. Gonna sleep easy!

                                                     Epic day stats!



Wednesday 22nd August: day four, L'Alpe d'Huez Time Trial


Today was a 16km time trial from Bourg D'Oisans up the 21 hairpin bends to L'Alpe d'Huez...the record is around 37 minutes. I was hoping for anything under 2 hours! It was a spectacle at the start-line alright, although Team Lanterne Rouge took it all in their stride...

Day four: piece of le cake, ahem...

Circus or not, it was a pretty special event- how often do you get to pretend to be a real cyclist? No, don't answer...

And here I am about to launch rather unconvingly off the start-ramp...cheers Andy for filming. I think!

The weather was flawless again and I took things steady (slowly)...indeed I only passed one other cyclist and he wasn't even in our race, hah-hah! Thanks to F. Boyle for the gag below...

The 'Dutch Chuch', turn six. Schweet!

I felt alright until the end and I gave it a showboat-ish finish to bag a time of 1 hr and 33 mins, and then almost collapsed. I parked my bike with a ton of others and got some water and stretched and cheered other folk home.

The application of full-gas to the finish line. Possibly 8 or maybe 9 mph.

If I had've been staring at my bike instead of posing for finish-line photos then I might still have my Felt!

                          

Andy was thundering up the home straight and after he crossed the line he asked where my bike was so he could lean his against it...and that was when I realised it was gone. In the space of ten minutes. We searched all round and hoped that someone had taken the 'wrong' bike (unlikely) but again, no joy.

To cut a long and f**king annoying story slightly shorter, it ruined a decent 'rest' day not only for me but for Andy too, as he was a stand-up guy throughout. Cheers for that.
With the help of Haute Raute staff I filed a report at the cop shop and then set about trying to find a replacement bike. A cycle hire shop was selling off some ex-rental machines so I eventually settled on one although it was a wee bit small but the price was about right at E520. Between a rock and a hard place etc...

The pleasing thing out of this nonsense was the offer of a loan bike from a couple of fellow riders (one of which was the bamboo bike pictured above): for various reasons they weren't a go-er but it was nice to see the offer of help and sympathy anyway.

So, as excuses go for not getting this blog out sooner, I hope you see that this is a pretty good one. Next stop Risoul: I hope my new-ish wheels get me there. Cheers!

                                                       Time trial stats!

Ghost Town

Monday 20th August: day two, Megeve to Courchevel 1850



So we find ourselves on 'Team-kit Monday', hence the mildly embarrassing photo from the start this morning...

Spoiler: this photo contains only one proper cyclist. He's the one at the end. No, the other end. (L-R) Me, Mark, David, Andy, Andy Fla, Martin and Matt.

Team Lanterne Rouge suitably relaxed before the off/enduring the organisers' excruciating choice of music!

Day two's walk in the park...

Regulation blue skies. Swiss law apparently. Like.



Start of the first climb today, the Col de Saise. Ropey, but do-able. Fast, fast descent on the other side. The Tractor clocked 56.5 mph! Unreal...but totally believable even allowing for Garmin, hah-hah!



Rare shot of me taking a turn at the front for as short as is possible. Fact.

The photo above was taken not far into the 13 mile climb up to Courchevel 1850 which is where we finished: it is a guy who is an amputee, both left arm and leg who is riding the same stuff that we are. A bit humbling, and then some.

Hopefully toll free and perhaps ABBA's greatest work.

Was slightly pleased to see this beauty, because it meant this...

500m to go until...

Marinate for six hours.

That water was as cold as ice, but felt fantastic: a tough day again but nowhere near the shoeing that awaits tomorrow. 5.30am alarm...which is nice!

'Ghost Town'? Well, two reasons since you ask:

1) It's my blog and I love The Specials, and

2) Ever tried to find a restaurant that's open in off-season ski-resort?

That said, we did ok as it goes and had our first decent food. Result!

Stats of the day!

Heatwave!

Friday & Saturday 17th/18th August: Wesham to Geneva

So, it's the start of another journey and another long day. No dramas getting to Geneva via an brief overnight stop at Andy and Tish's place in MK: Virgin Trains and EasyJet even manage to deliver our bikes intact- not something that we take for granted!

The glitz and the glamour...Wesham railway station, where all epic journeys begin. Or something.

You know that you've arrived somewhere a little more up-scale when the very first bit of advertising that you see is...

You can look but you better not touch.

We're grinning because we have no clue what we have signed-up for...

Above shows two eejits who have just collected all their pre-race paraphernalia: check-out the personlised numbers...actually got a few favourable comments from the few folk that I did pass, hah-hah!

After schlepping our kit and bikes to our very handily placed hotel- at the bleedin' airport- we set about tracking down the Lord Nelson pub for food and er, a motivational talk. Alright, ale. It was quite warm, to be fair...


Have a gander at what the Euro-sessioners on the centre table are destroying. Gotta be more than a yard? A metre?



Excitement lakeside! Perhaps Phil Collins' bbq had gotten out of hand?

We attended the mandatory briefing and just about managed to stay awake: it was like Eurovision gone even more wrong than usual. Where's Tel Wogan when you need him?

Interminable. In both English and French.

We also briefly met the rest of our team, and then headed back to our delightful Ibis and a 4.50am alarm call. Ouch!


Sunday 19th August: Day one, Geneva to Megeve


We couldn't have asked for a more spectacular setting to begin all this folly: the sun was rising over the lake and managed to take our minds off what lay ahead, in between trips to the kharzi. Pre-match nerves affect everyone it seems!


With cycling partner-in-crime and bloke whose fault all this is. Still talking. Just!

Day one's "job of work"...



The shower departs Geneva. Nervous...

 

Feels a bit better once you get on with it. Although we appear to be heading towards those speed-bumps in the distance...

For the first time ever, I heard cow-bells used for real: this is the acceptable version of windchimes. I was really doubting if I could make it up the first climb but when it began I realised that this was do-able, albeit at a slooooow pace. Whether or not I would be inside the time-limit was another question...

Above is from the first climb- the Col du Romme. I was chatting to the lady in the black gear up ahead. Unsurprisingly she sped-up...

Certifiable behaviour although these guys went crazy-fast downhill apparently.  Euro-loons ahoy!

The scenery was beyond fabulous: no camera is going to match that but here goes regardless: it was a flawless sky!

Wow. No further message.

I wasn't unhappy to see the finish-line and was amazed to learn that I had snuck inside the cut-off time by 45 minutes. Miracles can happen...

The view from one side...

...and from the other. So, not too tired to showboat a little, huh?

Although I rarely say it, today was a special day on the bike. Glad I was there...thanks!

 Here's to the run continuing.

Trying to get the blood back to where it should be. Need water!


 

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